Five Songs From 2013 You May Have Missed

One of my faves of 2013

The month of December is usually reserved for lots of "top stories" and "best-of" lists from the year that really is the product of lazy journalism.  You don't need to be bored with a list of songs from 2013 that I really liked ("Get Lucky" from Daft Punk, for example) and I won't argue that I think "Royals" from Lorde sounds like nails on a chalkboard.  Instead, I present some songs that I feel are pretty darn good that you may have missed over the past 12 months.  Enjoy.  See you in 2014!

Chris Malinchak "So Good To Me" 
Rhye "The Fall"
Olly Murs f/ Flo Rida "Troublemaker"
Mayor Hawthorne "Her Favorite Song"
Pharrell Williams "Happy"

JT & SNL

What a difference a dozen years make.  As Justin Timberlake gets set to appear with Jimmy Fallon for 2013's last SNL, these two pictures show the progression of boy band singer into a musician/comedic/fashion icon.  If he can do it, so can you.

The Last Day of Khakis: 2013 Edition

Today, I raise a glass in celebration of this being the final day in 2013 that I will don a pair of khakis.  Created in 1846 as a way to zap all the creativity from those who wore them, khaki pants are a staple among white men in the corporate world.  Join with me as I gleefully embrace the "no dress code for the rest of the year" rule and switch to denim until 2014.  (Special thanks to that large puddle that left its mark this morning on the back of my khakis.)

"There'll Be Scary Ghost Stories..."

When you think about the Christmas season, a million things pop into your head: exchanging presents, going to Grandma's house, Clark Griswold stringing a million lights, and so forth.  Apparently, though, some people like telling scary ghost stories.  I know this because Andy Williams has been singing about it in his hit Christmas song, "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year" since 1963.  I imagine children huddled around the Christmas tree munching on those peanut butter cookies with a Hershey Kiss in the center.  Grandpa sits among the children with a flashlight focused on his face while he scares the children with scary stories.  Happy Holidays, everyone!  

Just What Does "Seasons Greetings" Mean?

There are some holiday messages this time of year that are said, such as: Happy holidays!, Merry Christmas!, and A Festivus for the rest of us.  Still, there are others that are seen and not really said.  For example the expression Seasons Greetings tends to appear on signs or Christmas decorations, yet no one would ever come to your house and said, "Mary, Seasons Greetings!"  When you think about it, just what the heck does Seasons Greetings mean?  On the first day of spring, you don't run outside and proclaim Seasons Greetings!  I also doubt that you would say that during cold and flu season.  Much like God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen, we're left to repeating expressions that make no sense, but make us feel like we're contributing to society.

Appropriate Inappropriate Statements On A 2 Degree Day

When the thermometer reads "2", it is perfectly appropriate to say the following things that may be deemed inappropriate on most days:

• It's so cold that my balls hurt.
• If you bring up that whole "so much for global warming thing", I will punch you in the face.
• Hell doesn't sound so bad after all.

Misheard Lyrics: Cups Edition

I've never understood how someone's taco could be missed.  (Pause for the bro's to say that they can understand how a dude could miss a chick's taco.)  Yet, that's what my ears have been hearing in the song "Cups" from Anna Kendrick.  You're gonna miss me by my taco.  You're gonna miss me when I'm gone.  My ears are wrong.  The correct line is: You're gonna miss me by my talk, oh.  You're gonna miss me when I'm gone.  Let us now carry on with more important things in life.

What To Do With Old Magazines?

If they weren't the "world's largest", I'd have room to store them.

For the seventh Christmas in a row, my wish list included renewing my Men's Health Magazine subscription.  The magazine is a personal favorite of mine despite the fact that they always put shirtless dudes on the cover (the last time I checked Oprah's Magazine, I didn't notice any topless photos of Oprah on the cover, fyi).  After I read each magazine, I usually place it on a bookshelf in my bedroom.  I wouldn't throw a book away after I read it, so why would I throw a magazine away, right?  Well, this type of hording reasoning has resulted in my bookshelf reaching its capacity.  After eight-plus years of stacking magazines on a shelf, I knew that I'd eventually run out of real estate.  That time has come.  Do I recycle them?  Give them away?  Burn them?  I'm hesitant to do any of those options. 

Blinded By My Own Selfishness

Sometimes life has a way of gently reminding us that things may not be perfect in our life, but they could be far worse.  I spent my morning at the Dermatology Department of Rush University.  Over the summer, my primacy care doctor noticed a couple suspicious looking moles on my back and referred me to Rush.  With my fair and freckly skin, I'm apparently more at-risk for melanoma that your average Joe Suntan.  I had to wait two-plus months for their first available appointment, but finally had my full body screening in September.  There was one particular mole that concerned my dermatologist, so he took some pictures and arranged for a follow-up visit.  Thankfully, today's visit concluded that there was nothing to be concerned with, and I walked away with a clean bill of health and instructions to be vigilant and lather on the SPF-50. On my El ride back to work, my mind was preoccupied with thoughts of my $2500 insurance deductible.  I was almost too distracted to notice two blind men boarded the train.  The two were no more than 18 or 19 years old and were being assisted by an older woman.  The gave detailed and helpful instructions to the two guys in a way that was friendly yet firm.  "Be mindful of the gap between the platform and the train car," she advised them.  "You always want to count the number of stops until it's yours just in case the announcement isn't audible," she added.  The one guy was wearing a baseball cap and appeared more confident.  The other was pale, thin and had a hairstyle much like Conan O'Brien--only his was brown.  What struck me about this guy (and tugged at my heart) was the look on his face.  He looked terrified.  He struggled to board the train and find a seat--his stick was flailing left and right while he reached out frantically with one of his hands trying to find something to hold.  The older woman was there to assist, but her role was clear: teach these young blind men to be self-sufficient.  She was calm, patient and reassuring.  She told them not to worry if she wasn't there because there would always be someone willing to help.  Moments later, the trio exited the train.  They exited my life almost as quickly as they entered.  All day, I kept wondering about these two boys.  What happened to them that caused their blindness?  Would the older woman continue to assist them?  What if they try to board the train during rush hour when it's crowded and people are less patient?  All the while I couldn't shake the image of the frightened guy.  My problems pale in comparison, and I'm ashamed it took them to remind me.

Welcome Back, Michael Bolton

Who's peaking out from the back?

In early-2002, Michael Bolton was promoting his latest album and stopped by the radio station I worked.  At the time, Bolton's career was in a slump after a healthy decade sporting long hair, Nicolette Sheridan, and heavy exposure on Adult Contemporary radio stations.  His days of putting his name on an old Motown song and watching it hit #1 were over.  That day I was escorting Michael Bolton and his entourage into the radio station, Michael was wearing leather pants.  He mentioned his hotel had a basketball court and how he wanted to play that afternoon.  He asked me if I played.  I informed him that I last played for the St. Joseph Warriors in the 5th grade and averaged 0.0 points that season.  Despite my impressive resume, he still welcomed me to shoot some hoops with him later that day.  I imagined myself speaking to the hotel concierge: "Hi, I'm Todd Ganz.  I'm here to play basketball with Mr. Bolton."  Needless to say, I didn't play.  Fast forward another decade, and Bolton has survived another Nicolette Sheridan breakup and continues to live off the royalties of "How Can We Be Lovers If We Can't Be Friends?" while turning up in roles that no one would expect.  First, he appeared in an SNL Digital Short as Captain Jack Sparrow and now plays a supporting role in Honda's holiday commercials.  Here's a guy who has found his next niche--one where he doesn't take himself too seriously.  Just like leather pants, Michael Bolton has returned.

In March, Wrap It Up

Poor Little Susie.  She celebrates her birthday on December 20th.  Meanwhile, Crazy Owen celebrates the anniversary of his birth each year with a big ol' pile of gifts on a warm August day.  Susie just gets to open one of her Christmas gifts a few days early.  I feel sorry for people with December birthdays.  Between Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the Winter Solstice, it's easy for December birthdays to slip between the cracks leaving the Sagittarius folks feeling empty.  When you're having adult relations with a woman during the month of March, be sure to wrap that thing up.  Thank you.
 

Paul McCartney's "Wonderful Christmastime" Is Still Gawd-Awful

Now that Christmas music is blasting out of every store speaker this side of Skokie, you likely will be subjected to the worst Christmas song ever made.  The problem with this song is that this song is sung by a Beatle.  That's right, this dubious award goes to Sir Paul McCartney for his head-scratching holiday hit "Wonderful Christmastime."  For five decades now, this song has annoyed holiday shoppers almost as much as the word doorbuster.  It's more proof that ex-Beatles can get away with passing off crap songs simply because the name Lennon, Starr, Harrison, or McCartney is attached (see: "I've Got My Mind Set On You", for example).  Our friends at Wikipedia report that each year, royalties from "Wonderful Christmastime" net McCartney nearly $40,000 for a profit of nearly $15,000,000(!).  I wonder what Yoko thinks about that.

Bakers Square ala Mode

What do you associate with Thanksgiving?  Probably turkey, stuffing, and those yams baked with marshmallows on the top, right?  On my list, I associate Thanksgiving with Bakers Square.  Yes, the restaurants where they used to remind you to "come for the food, stay for the pie."  If you're like my girlfriend, you might think that they all closed.  Well, you're both wrong.  Bakers Square is alive and well, thank you very much!  In fact, the one in my hometown of Schererville, Indiana now features a fireplace!  That's right, a place to warm your fingers and toes while you scarf down a slice of their French Silk.  In high school and the years following when I'd be back in town, my friends and I would always meet up at The Square.  We laughed, we flirted with the waitress, we laughed some more, and had pie (we sure knew how to party).  While the fireplace may be a new addition to The Square, each table still houses the glossy flip menu with pictures and mouth-watering descriptions of all the Bakers Square pies.  Just don't be that guy who thumbs through all 45 pages of scrumptious pies only to order a slice of apple pie.  

Thanksgiving Givens

Once again, it's almost time to feast on turkey and canned cranberries on the blessed day known as Black Friday Eve (formerly "Thanksgiving").  Thanksgiving comes with plenty of givens including the following:

-green bean casserole with crispy onions...just like the Pilgrims ate!
-your angry uncle condemning all Black Friday shoppers who wait in line at 2am to buy a 19-inch TV
-your aunt who plans to wait in line at 2am to buy said 19-inch TV
-a football game between two teams you couldn't care less about
-grandpa falling asleep on the couch while still managing to hold up the sports section 
-the annual drawing to find out which relative you'll be buying a gift for in the family grab bag
-the annual trading of names drawn so that you don't have to buy for your crazy cousin
 -someone blaming tryptophan for making everyone sleepy and not the 8,400 calories they just consumed

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Watching History

History twice in the making.

Three years ago, I got my first taste of the Mediterranean with stops in England, Italy, Spain, and Malta during my vacation.  While there were so many highlights, one particular moment still stands out from the rest.  It happened in Valleta on the island of Malta--a small country off the coast of Sicily.  While there, I stumbled upon an elderly married couple in an outdoor coffeeshop.  The woman was surveying the area while holding an old photograph while her husband stood nearby raising his cane to point at some of the pillars.  When we approached the duo, the woman explained that her husband was a former British soldier who was once stationed on the island of Malta during World War II.  The photo she was holding happened to be a photo of her husband from 1944 standing in that very spot.  This was the first time in nearly 55 years that the man last stepped foot there.  The two were quite humble and downplayed the significance of their visit, but we would have none of that.  I snapped this photo of the two of them holding the photo and thanked them for sharing their story.  It was a beautiful and perfect moment of history.      

"But I Don't Wanna Be A Gottfried!"

This past May marked the 15th anniversary of the Seinfeld finale.  Yes, Seinfeld has been off the air for 15 years!  Despite this, I still make it a point to watch reruns of Seinfeld every night before I go to bed.  If you also need to get your Seinfeld fix but can't take another viewing of the Puffy Shirt episode, then I suggest the @Modern Seinfeld Twitter feed that presents ideas of Seinfeld episodes if it were still on the air today.  There's also Seinfeld's web-series called "Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee" in which Seinfeld drives in cars and (you guessed it) gets coffee.  The scariest part of this series, however, is how much Jerry now resembles Gilbert Gottfried.

"But I don't want to be a Gottfried!"

You've Got Mail (That Isn't From Groupon)

Long, long ago (I'm talking at least six years ago), we used to log onto our email accounts via our trusty desktop computers.  Our accounts were from Yahoo, Hotmail, and AOL while some of our more cutting-edge friends had these new fancy Gmail accounts.  Our inbox typically included email messages from Grandma asking if we got the cookbook she mailed and reminding us that we still haven't RSVP'd for the family picnic, our old college roommate detailing his upcoming bachelor party, and our mother-in-law who found an article proving that Barack Obama was indeed not an American citizen.  Our inbox was like our personal life journal complete with lengthy conversations, pictures and stories from friends and family both near and far.  Things changed as social media and text messaging took the place of long-form email and unlimited minutes erased the fear of paying for a long-distance phone call.  I admit, I do miss sending and receiving long-form emails to friends.  Nowadays, it seems that my inbox only gets filled by people who want my business.  This morning, for example, I had messages from Restaurant.com, the White Sox, Bank of America, Living Social, Groupon, and LinkedIn.  While I do miss emails from Grandma, I don't miss messages questioning Obama's origin.

Get Your Act Together

Smile! Show me those pearly blue-green teeth.

Next time you find yourself at your local drug store or bodega, hum along to the soft rock and stroll over to the dental aisle.  There you will find bottles of mouthwash that boast bright blue, green and red colors that would cause a package of Starburst to blush.  These colorful mouthwash bottles sit right above numerous pastes, gels and trays that promise to whiten your teeth.  Odd, isn't it?  Every person wants whiter teeth...yet most dental mouthwashes contain Red #40  food coloring.    

Tripped Up By....Nothing

It's inevitable that during the course of a day you'll find yourself walking and then suddenly...you trip.  This brief moment of clumsiness is followed by feelings of awkwardness and embarrassment.  Desperate for a cause to your clumsiness, you look back at the asphalt for clues.  There are no tree roots, broken pavement, or even litter.  So, you carry on and shrug it off while hoping that no one noticed.  Last night, I watched this scene play out in front of me as a thirty-something woman tripped, looked back, but then did something I've never seen happen--the woman stopped and stood there laughing.  Not just a "ha ha", but a full-on belly laugh.  She was laughing in a manner much like she heard Jim Gaffigan doing stand-up about Hot Pockets.  "Don't worry about it," I told her as I passed.  "It happens to everyone."  She couldn't care any less.

Does Anything Good Happen At Chuck E. Cheese?

Happy birthday, Joey!

"Boy's Birthday Party at Florida Chuck E. Cheese Ruined By Brawl, Shooting, Mom's Arrest For Drugs"

"20 People Involved in Chuck E. Cheese Brawl That Nets 2 Arrests"

"Chuck E. Cheese Brawl in Lincoln Park Leads to 2 Arrests"

The above headlines are real.  It's rare for an entire week to pass without reading a story about a fight breaking out at Chuck E. Cheese.  Maybe something bad happens when you combine cheap pizza, a plastic ball pit, and a child's birthday because a Google search containing the words "Chuck E. Cheese" and "arrest" netted over 140,000 results.  It leads one to wonder what they put in that pizza.
 

A Song Worth Downloading...Twice

While doing some housekeeping to my iTunes library, I discovered that I had a duplicates of a handful of songs.  For the most part, it was simply a case of having live and studio versions of the same songs, but there was also one song that I downloaded in 2009 and then again in 2010.  I must have really liked the song since I found the need to buy it twice.  Called "Every Time" comes from the British group called Oi Va Voi (meaning "Oh, dear!" in Yiddish, according to Wikipedia).  This layered tune takes its time getting started, but eventually builds to a beautiful yet haunting chorus that seems to take its cues from something a choir would sing at Sunday mass.  I still happen to believe this song is worth two charges of $1.29 from iTunes.  Take a listen and see what you think.   

Let's Go To The Beach....And Stay in the Car.

This beautiful view exists beyond the parking lot.

There's a reason that Facebook is populated with numerous pictures of Chicago's lakefront...it's breathtaking.  Just one trip to any of this city's 24 gorgeous beaches reminds us why we tolerate Chicago in January. Any visit to the beach is time well spent.

Recently, I spent an afternoon walking along the lakefront from Hollywood Beach (now called Osterman Beach) all the way south to Montrose Beach.  The weather that day was a thing of beauty: clear blue skies and a temperature that vacillated from sultry to perfect. 

 

Why bother with a view of the skyline when there's this?

That afternoon, I was shocked at how many people were also out enjoying the beaches that afternoon especially considering it was a Thursday.  Most interesting, however, was the number of people at the beach who were sitting in their cars.  Nearly everywhere I went, there was a car parked with someone (usually a man) sitting in the driver's seat.  They weren't on their phones.  They weren't napping.  They were all just sitting in their front seats seemingly doing nothing.  Did these people forget their swim trunks at home?  Were they afraid of sand?  Or were they glued to their radios waiting to hear Robin Thicke's "Blurred Lines" for the 9,000th time?  What am I missing here?

Motownphilly: The Time Machine

Sometimes all it takes is one note from a song to transport your brain back in time.  For example, hearing the opening note from Boyz II Men's "Motownphilly" immediately takes you back to freshman year in high school.  You can hear the boys from Philly blasting out of the speakers on your over-sized Service Merchandise stereo system.  It seemed like B96 played that song every 45 minutes in between the guy with the huge voice reminding you that "The Killer B, B96" was way better than Z95.  You always made sure the radio was always playing in the background whenever you talked to girls on the plastic cordless phone in your bedroom.  You could barely get through a phone call without being interrupted by a "beep" thanks to this new invention called "call waiting."  "Just call back later," you would tell the person who called for your parents.  You had control of the phone and, besides, your parents had other things to do like give you a ride to Southlake Mall where you'd buy some baggy clothes from Oak Tree or Merry Go Round.  Tomorrow was Friday, and you needed new clothes for all the places you planned to go...even if you weren't sure whose parents were going to give you a ride.  We know today that life seemed so much simpler and easier back then, yet at the time it was far from it.  While it's best to leave the past where it belongs, there's something fun about paying it a visit...even if it's just for one verse of "Motownphilly."

      

Constructing My Least Favorite White Sox Team

Whether it be Harold Baines, Frank Thomas, or Tony Graffanino, White Sox fans all have their favorite players.  But what about the other end of the spectrum...what about those players who caused you to grit your teeth and sit on your hands when they came to bat?  Today, we honor this dubious team of my least favorite White Sox.  (Full disclosure: I started following the Sox during the mid-80s which limits the pool of players.)

First Base: Adam Dunn (2011-Present)
When the Frank Thomas/Jim Thome era came to an end, I was hopeful that the Sox would rid of the all-or-nothing home run or strike out designated hitters.  Unfortunately, Kenny Williams went out and signed Adam Dunn to a 4-year contract that pays him handsomely to be an automatic out.  Dunn is a likeable character, but he has done very little with his bat for the White Sox.  Dunn hit .159 with 11 home runs while striking 177 times during the 2011 season.  By comparison, diminutive utility player Brent Lillibridge hit 13 HRs in nearly one-third of the at-bats as Dunn.  Somehow, Dunn bounced back in 2012, and was named Comeback Player of the Year.  While he did hit 41 home runs, his average barely climbed above the Mendoza Line at .204.  His 2013 season smells a lot like his 2011 season leaving us all to wonder if surgeons removed more than just his appendix in 2011.  I can't see Reinsdorf eating the remainder of Dunn's lucrative contract, so I will have to wait for the conclusion of the 2014 season to gladly drive Dunn and his millions of dollars to O'Hare. 

Second Base: Steve Sax (1992-93)

"It is not very often that you can pick up an All-Star, so we're very pleased with the acquisition of Steve Sax," Sox GM Ron Schueler said after acquiring Sax from the Yankees in 1992.  A five-time All-Star, Sax was coming off a season where he hit a career-best 10 home runs to go with his .304 average.  Sax became the first player I remember who was touted as being the missing link to push the Sox over the top only to see him completely fall apart after he joined the team.  Sax hit a meager .236 and .235 over two seasons before being released early in 1994 despite having two years and nearly $5.5 million remaining on his contract.  While the Steve Sax Syndrome is synonymous with the inability to throw a ball to first base, it holds a different meaning for me.  Thanks for nothing, Steve.

Shortstop: Royce Clayton (2001-2002)
Young Royce Clayton had the dubious distinction of being the successor to longtime Cardinals shortstop Ozzie Smith in 1996.  It led to a feud between then manager Tony LaRussa and the future Hall of famer that still burns today.  After playing for the Cardinals, Royce bounced from team to team before ending up with the Sox in 2001.  Aside from having a super-cool name, Royce was famous for playing excellent defense.  Whatever offensive numbers he put up was simply added value.  Unfortunately, during his first two months in a Sox uniform, Royce hit a robust .115.  He followed the same script in 2002 (hitting .195 during the first two months) and found himself sitting on Jerry Manuel's bench.  He was released in September 2002.  Despite his offensive limitations, Clayton did set a team record in 2002 with his .989 fielding percentage. 

Third Base: Mark Teahen (2010-2011)

Kenny Williams made a head-scratching move when he traded rookie Chris Getz for Teahen and then immediately signed Teahen to a 3-year contract extension.  Teahen rewarded Williams by playing awful defense at third base and hitting .258 and .203 during his two years on the club.  While Teahen took the brunt of the booing by fans, the real anger was aimed directly at Williams for signing the mediocre Teahen to an extension before even putting on a White Sox jersey.  He was eventually shipped off to Toronto in a salary dump as part of the Edwin Jackson trade.  Much like the years of uncertainty in center field post-Aaron Rowand, the hole at third base continues to plague the Sox today.


Left Field: Albert Belle (1997-98)
Aside from hitting lots of home runs, Albert Belle was known for throwing a ball at a fan in the stands, destroying visitor clubhouses, hitting some kid with his car on Halloween, and corking his bat and then having a player climb through the ceiling rafters to replace the corked bat with another bat...hardly the kind of guy you want to root root root for. Despite all of that, Jerry Reinsdorf threw tons of money at Belle in 1997 to join a lineup that featured Frank Thomas, Harold Baines, and Robin Ventura.  It was the fist time I ever struggled with cheering for a player I disliked who played for a team I loved.  Unlike most of the players on this list, Belle actually put up some serious numbers.  He smacked 79 home runs and 83 doubles in his two seasons on the Southside.  Belle's contract had a out-clause that triggered if he was not one of the three highest paid players in baseball.  Thankfully that happened in 1998 and Belle left for the Orioles where he played for two seasons before hip trouble prematurely ended his career.

Center Field: Brian Anderson (2005-08)
After an August '05 injury to Scott Podsednik, the Sox called up their top prospect: Brian Anderson.  Anderson didn't do much in his limited play (.176 Avg.), but Sox beat writers took notice after he clubbed two home runs off Felix Hernandez during one game.  Perhaps blinded by Brian's blonde locks, Sox beat writers seemed to overlook Brian's constant whiffs and chose to focus on those two home runs as hope that he was the real deal.  After the glow of the World Series faded, Aaron Roward was shipped to Philadelphia for Jim Thome which opened up CF for Brian.  In 2006, he looked completely over-matched at the plate hitting just .225 with 90 strikeouts.  He went on to post averages of .118 and .232 during limited playing time the following seasons.  This left a hole in centerfield that Darrin Erstad, Jerry Owens, Rob Mackowiak, and even Ken Griffey Jr. unsuccessfully attempted to plug.  If Brian's bat would have backed up the amount of cockiness he dripped, he would be honored alongside A.J. Pierzynski as a fan favorite.  Instead, he will be remembered as the reason Aaron Rowand was traded.  Brian later reinvented himself as a pitcher, but should seriously consider moonlighting as an Owen Wilson impersonator.

Right Field: Nick Swisher (2008)
Swisher was a White Sox killer when he played for the A's.  Despite a low batting average, he always managed to play well against the Sox.  Williams then traded Gio Gonzalez, Ryan Sweeney, and Fautino De Los Santos for Swisher.  A right fielder by trade, Swisher bounced between RF, CF, LF, and 1B and even was inserted into the lead off spot.  Swisher immediately suffered a bout of Steve Sax Syndrome batting a paltry .219 (despite clubbing 24 HRs).  With the nickname "Dirty 30", Swisher's frat boy personality immediately clashed with other players and manager Ozzie Guillen.  By the time the Sox were in the playoffs, Swisher was riding the bench ("pouting," according to Guillen) while journeyman Dewayne Wise took over in left field.  After just one lowly season, Swisher was traded away to the Yankees for a pair of prospects and Wilson Betemit.  Both trades for Swisher (from the A's and later to the Yankees) were major dents to Kenny Williams' legacy as GM as Williams grossly overpaid to get Swisher and got next to nothing in return when he traded him.  Swisher continues to torture the White Sox today and will hear the grumbles of Sox fans every time he visits.

Catcher: ???
You never want the task of following a legend (see Rover's Morning Glory, for example).  The Sox have had two really good catchers over the past 30-years: fan-favorite A.J. Pierzynski and Hall of Famer Carlton Fisk.  Fisk was my all-time favorite Sox player and the reason that I am a White Sox fan while Pierzynski gave his heart and soul to the Sox when no other team wanted him.  I cannot find an unlikable catcher over the past 30 years of team rosters, so the award will have to go to the guy who had to replace a White Sox legend.  Here is a snapshot of the two heirs to the catching throne:  

Ron Karkovice (1986-97)
By the time Fisk was shown the door in 1993, Ron Karkovice was handling the bulk of the catching duties.  Officer Karko was a likable fellow: he sported a mustache, looked 20 years older than he was, and apparently took phone calls during games (see baseball card to left). He was your typical back-up catcher who would hit .230 while playing tremendous defense.  During his career spent entirely in Chicago, he threw out 41% of would-be base stealers including a career-best 54% during the 1993 season--numbers that Pierzynski could never achieve.  My earliest memories of Karko was as his low-water mark during the 1987 season when he struck out in 40 of his 85 plate appearances while batting a robust .071.  I also recall a radio commercial in the early-90s in which he kept whispering, "Screwball.  Throw the screwball." When I got his autograph at a car dealership in 1992, I kept saying to him, "Screwball.  Throw the screwball."  He wasn't amused.

Tyler Flowers (2009-Present)
Tyler Flowers came to the White Sox from the Atlanta Braves in a trade for Javier Vazquez (who, like Swisher, had worn out his welcome).  Kenny Williams immediately predicted that Flowers was going to be an All-Star (no pressure, kid!).  Perhaps Williams thought the Braves were as foolish as he was and engaged in trades of top prospects for established veterans.  Would the Braves really trade away a future all-star for Javier Vazquez?!?  Or did the Braves sour on Flowers after his 50-game suspension for using PEDs in 2006.  Whatever the case, Tyler came to the Sox as an offensively-skilled catcher whose his skills behind the plate needed some fine-tuning.  After some minor league seasoning, Tyler assumed backup duties in the majors and admitted to a cold relationship with Pierzynski.  During '09-'12  Flowers hit .188, .091, .209, and .213 showing that he wasn't quite deserving of a punch on your All-State ballot.  This deprived newspaper headline writers from writing such catchy headlines as: Flowers Blooms for Sox.  After Pierzynski's inevitable exit after the 2012 season, Tyler took over as the every day catcher in 2013.  He homered on Opening Day and that has been his lone highlight in 2013.  He's underwhelmed both offensively and defensively and, with each strikeout, is fast on his way to cementing his name on this dubious list.  

Pitcher: Jamie Navarro (1997-1999)
After one decent year on the North Side, Navarro signed a 4-year/$20M contract to pitch for the White Sox.  At the time, it was the largest contract that the Sox ever handed out to a pitcher.  Navarro responded by turning in ERA's of 5.79, 6.36, and 6.06.  Before leading the league with 16 losses in 1998, he led the league in hits allowed, earned runs allowed, and wild pitches during the1997 season.  Since Navarro was usually good one time through the batting order and then would completely unravel (later coined as Javier Vazquez Disease), the Sox put him in the bullpen in 1999 despite his objection.  Navarro told the Tribune: "I told them at the beginning of the year that the bullpen was not an option.  They had a chance to trade me and they didn't.  Now they are stuck with me."  He was eventually traded to Milwaukee after the 1999 season for a guy whose throwing arm was held together with a 5-inch stainless steel screw (true story).  The trade also did net shortstop Jose Valentin who went on to be an offensive force and a fan-favorite (thanks in part to his mustache).  Unfortunately, the Navarro Experience led to Sox management's refusal to sign pitchers to contracts beyond three years.  This would later complicate contract negotiations with Mark Buehrle in the 2000s.

Closer: Billy Koch (2003-04)
Keith Foulke was the only jewel from the infamous 1997 "White Flag" trade that saw the Sox ship Wilson Alvarez, Danny Darwin, and Roberto Hernandez to the Giants for a group of prospects.  Foulke racked up 89 saves and never had an ERA over 2.97 during his stretch as Sox closer from 2000-02.  That was apparently too good for Kenny Williams who traded Foulke, catcher Mark Johnson, and cash to the A's for Koch and Neil Cotts in late-2002.  In his four seasons as a closer before coming to the Sox, Koch notched 104 saves.  All changed when Koch put on a Sox uniform.  In the third game of the 2003 season, Koch was called on to close a game against the Royals.  He faced six hitters and did not record an out.  That set the tone as Koch was paid handsomely (more than Foulke) and blowing saves and seeing his velocity disappear.  He posted ERAs of 5.70 and 5.40 in his year-plus on the Southside.  After being demoted to mop up duty, he was eventually traded to the Marlins in 2004.  Koch made headlines after his baseball career ended when he and his family all reportedly contracted a mysterious skin disorder called Morgellons--a disorder where it feels like creatures are crawling under your skin. 

Designated Hitter: Jose Canseco (2001) 
Jose Canseco will always be linked to a few things: steroids, a fly ball bouncing off his head and over the fence for a home run, and for hitting a foul ball that hit the White Sox batboy in the balls (oh, and don't forget Madonna).  Sometimes I forget that Canseco actually played for the White Sox, but indeed he spent half a season as DH while Frank Thomas was injured.  Canseco's presence in the Sox organization did have one major plus: in 2003, the Sox as a team threatened to boycott steroid testing in order to force MLB to take a stronger stance on steroid testing.  At the time, testing was anonymous and at least 5% of active players had to test positive in order for MLB to conduct more rigorous testing.  Sox players thought that by abstaining from testing that they would automatically be labeled positive which would force MLB to step up their testing efforts.  As we now know, Canseco joyously admitted to juicing, and MLB now has a strict steroid testing program in place.

Manager: Terry Bevington (1995-1997)

Ask any White Sox fan who managed the team when Gene Lamont was fired.  Chances are they have forgotten about skipper Terry Bevington because he was just that forgettable.  Despite The Bev leading the Sox to 222-214 record during his tenure, he was about as inspiring as that Kardashian brother.  Bev's legacy can easily be summed up as the manager who summoned a pitcher from the bullpen despite the fact that no pitcher was warming up.  It happened in 1997--Bev's final season before being fired.  Like I said, he was forgettable and apparently he was also forgetful. 

Now Written With REAL Words!

It has REAL cheese, but what about the macaroni?

I believe in a world that wouldn't need to qualify that a dish called "macaroni and cheese" shouldn't have to qualify that it's actually made with REAL cheese.  In my world, peanut-butter M&M's contain with REAL peanut butter and REAL M's!  Advertisers should not have to qualify that their ginger ale is made with real ginger or even that their meaty pasta sauce is made with actual meat--although meat could mean just about anything, right IKEA?