The Greatest Commercial of 2012

11/11/13

My award for the best commercial of the 2012 holiday season comes to us from Baileys Irish Cream.  The ad will make you long for sweater weather and a fireplace to accompany your cup of deliciousness.  It also provides another lesson that a commercial does not require dialogue to be effective.  It also marks the first time that the music of Blondie has made me want to run out and purchase something other than a Swiffer.  Enjoy and drink responsibly. 

The Heat Is....(sigh) On

10/7/12

I compare it to seeing how far you can continue to drive a car once the "Low Fuel" light illuminates.  In this case, once the thermostat in my condo dipped to 62 degrees yesterday evening, I knew that I couldn't hold out any longer.  It was time to flip the switch.  My furnace roared to life and the temperature slowly returned to tolerable allowing me to remove my indoor fleece jacket.  Then came that odd scent that the furnace emits after sitting idle for months.  The reality that winter is near was no longer deniable.  Both stunk up the place.

Return to Sender

My stash of return address labels

9/26/12

Tucked in the corner of my desk is a thick stack of return address labels that seems to grow faster than a pesky earlobe hair.  All of these address labels are "gifts" courtesy of non-profit organizations who enclosed them along with their letter pleading for my financial support.  Who dares to say no to writing a check to St. Jude Children's Hospital after receiving some handy fall-themed return address labels?  A heartless jerk, that's who.  Today, the March of Dimes mailed me another sheet of labels...which this heartless jerk sent straight to the trash.  Why?  Well, I have more of these labels than I'll ever need seeing as I only mail about one thing each month.  Fifteen years ago, it was a different story: I mailed bills, cards, and even letters (remember those?).  Times have changed, and I wish non-profits would rethink wasting their precious resources on printing and mailing address labels that no one needs, wants, or uses.  There has to be another way.  Maybe it's time to go back to another old solicitation strategy: mail a donation letter along with a shiny new nickle.  It just might work.

When Will They Invent An App for This?

9/21/12

Question:
What happens when you wait in line all night to buy the iPhone 5, spend a couple hundred bucks on the gadget, and then walk out of the Apple store? 

Answer:
You drop your phone.  I hope there's an app for this.

The Ultimate Grocery Store Playlist

A little-known, yet highly-enforced Illinois state law dutifully states: "Any owner of a grocery store containing at least eight aisles is required to play smooth adult contemporary music at a reasonable volume."  It's true.  There are those who find this law controversial and those people also do not care for Phil Collins (who we all know is on the grocery store "must-play" soundtrack).  A few other songs are:

"Waiting For A Star to Fall" by Boy Meets Girl

Before the TGIF sitcom, there was an 80s band called Boy Meets Girl. In typical 80s fashion, they had one hit and it featured a saxophone. It's also guaranteed to make you smile while buying deli meat.

"The Way It Is" by Bruce Hornsby

You don't understand why there are only two cashiers on duty?  Hey, man, that's just the way it is.  

"Broken Arrow" by Rod Stewart

Even Rod Stewart doesn't know what this song means, but studies show that it helps sell duct tape.

"How Sweet It Is (To Be Loved By You)" by James Taylor

Lawyers for the Dentist Office Radio Network sued the Grocery Store Radio Network for exclusivity to this song.  The case is pending.

"Captain of Her Heart" by Double

Unfortunately, it isn't allowed to be played during double coupon days.

"The Living Years" by Mike & The Mechanics
This tearjerker gets most of its exposure the week preceding Father's Day (and also satisfies the hourly Phil Collins quota).

"Something About You" by Level 42

As soon as you start to sing along, some asshat will make an announcement over the loud speaker and totally ruin your good mood.

"Stars" by Simply Red

Three out of four grocery stores claim this song makes people buy more Schweppe's Raspberry Ginger Ale.

" Back For Good" by Take That

All of your struggles maneuvering that shopping cart with the wobbly wheel melt when this song plays.

(Credit to Angel L. and Kimmy L. whose Facebook posts inspired this topic)

Our Short-Lived Strike

9/19/12

Bill Kurtis and Walter Jacobson always had a place at our dinner table back when I was growing up.  No dinner was complete without some sort of red meat on our plates and Channel 2 News in the background.  One evening, my brother and I were fascinated to hear Bill & Walter's story about some Chicago city workers who were on strike.  We questioned my Dad about what a strike was and why people would do it.  Before my Dad could finish explaining, I could see the wheels turning in my brother's head.  After dinner that night, my brother suggested that he and I should also go on strike.  No more taking the garbage out, no more mowing the lawn, no more chores until we received a raise in our allowance, he argued.  So, I followed the orders of my newly-anointed Union boss, made paper signs, and "picketed" at the end of our driveway.  Once my Dad caught wind of what we were doing, he gave us an ultimatum: "If you're on strike, then you can't go to the White Sox game with our Grandpa."  We soon learned that White Sox pitchers weren't the only people who couldn't throw a good strike.

"We've Detected Fraudulent Activity on Your Account."

9/11/13

The Fraud Department at Chase Bank left me an urgent voicemail informing me that one of my credit cards had been flagged for potentially fraudulent activity.  This happened after a series of out-of-town charges recently appeared on my account.  For example, they questioned the following charges that were made over the previous weekend:
$86.00 at Walgreens
$13.89 at Dairy Queen
$46.65 at Nacho Papa's Restaurant
$146.17 at the Hampton Inn in Stevensville, Michigan

Obviously, I was pleased that Chase flagged these charges and followed up with me.  One could easily see that series of purchases and deduce that some burnout with a stolen credit card bought up a bunch of cold medicine at Walgreens, went to a hotel room and made meth.  This was followed by a bender that included a handful of Heath Blizzards and pulled pork nachos.  While all of this added up to a stolen credit card in the minds of the fraud department at Chase, it was far from the truth.  Instead, it perfectly summed up all the hot spots that I hit during my weekend in Southern Michigan.

[UPDATE: My other Chase credit card actually did have fraudulent charges on it.  Thankfully, Chase canceled the card before these punks ordered more t-shirts.]

A Room of Strangers Unites

The sales departments of eight different magazines shared the same Chicago office where I worked in 2001.  In all, there were about 30 people who worked on the 11th floor, yet I only really knew a handful of those people.  That all changed on the morning of September 11^th.  All of us started that day as strangers standing in a crowded corner office while watching the gruesome images of the World Trade Center flicker on a 13-inch television.  When the first tower collapsed, there were gasps followed by tears, hugs, and then more tears.  By later that morning, bonds had formed in that room that would outlast all of our respective jobs with that company.  I’ll never forget what I saw the morning of 9/11, and I’ll never forget the support from all the strangers in that corner office who I now call friends.    

The List

9/5/12

Hello, handsome!

Most couples speak of this “list” that the two have compiled.  This list contains the names of three or four celebrities that—if the opportunity arises—gives the person a free pass to cheat on their significant other.  Let’s face it, one day you will bump into Mila Kunis on a flight to Albuquerque and she will more than likely rip off your clothes and demand that you make sweet, sweet love to her.  Thankfully, your significant other is not allowed to be jealous or angry with you because she has her own list containing names like Ryan Gosling and George Wendt.  Provided that the celebrity is on your list, any reputable divorce attorney will tell you that this does not constitute adultery.  This begs the question: do celebrities have their own lists?  If so, I imagine that these lists contain only the names of non-celebrities.  For example, Amanda Peet’s list probably says: sexy bartender who made me a Fuzzy Navel at that bar in Bora Bora, hot guy I once saw in traffic on I-10, and Todd Ganz.

The Battle of the Less Dudely Man

8/1/12

Not even carrying tools can up the manliness of walking this dog.

Imagine for a moment a very tall, dudely-looking guy walking down the street with a Dachshund.  This guy, who looked like he was a defensive lineman for his college football team and could likely blow up a football using only his mouth, awkwardly walked down the street with the tiny dog in tow.  The leash was barely long enough for him to walk little Sparky and still stand up straight.  The dog seemed to relish the fact that his owner looked (and probably felt) uncomfortable.  The odds are pretty good that the dog belonged to his wife, girlfriend, or mistress...and definitely not Mr. Jock Strap.  For whatever reason, I found the whole sight funny.  “How unmanly it must be for this guy,” I thought as I passed him on the street.  It wasn’t until I spotted my reflection in a window that I ate my words.  There I was walking down the street carrying a 14 lb. tub of scoopable cat litter.

Another Week, Another Recall

7/27/12

Each week, the news contains at least one heartwarming story just like this :

Looks like Ed's engine is over-heating again.

The Ford Motor Company has issued a recall on all 2009 Ford Z-50 Sport Utility Vehicles.  Independent tests confirm that when the Z-50 comes into contact with asphalt, it will immediately burst into a flame ball the size of Maryland.  Laboratory tests also showed that when the Z-50 reached speeds above 45 MPH, the breaks would no longer function causing drivers to crash into passers-by. Additionally, engineers cited at least three occasions of Z-50 drivers who rolled down the passenger's side window only to be bitten by African Killer Bees.  (Yes, those same killer bees that you've been hearing about since the 7th grade--they're here and they're pissed off!).  Ford encourages all owners of the 2009 Ford Z-50 with a valid warranty to immediately drive it into the nearest dealership for immediate repairs. 

Does Anyone Say "I Do" to the Video...More Than Once?

7/26/12

Every married couple who tied the knot after 1990 has one of these.  Chances are that it's sitting among a dusty pile of aging VCR tapes and rarely-viewed DVDs that were pushed to the back of the entertainment center.  I'm talking about the wedding video.  This video likely contains just over 3 hours of footage including that part in the ceremony where the bride started laughing uncontrollably as well as when your wacky Uncle Mike danced the moonwalk while topless at the reception.  It likely cost $2,000 to have these precious moments captured on film.  Here's my question: outside of an anniversary or the first time they received the video, do couples ever watch their wedding video?

My Top 5 Awesomely Bad Songs

7/15/12

After uploading Coastin’ by Cities Aviv (also known as song number 3,970), my iPod finally had enough.  Never in my seven years of owning this rectangular jukebox did I ever expect to see the message: “There is not enough room to upload the selected songs.”  Moving forward, I can either delete songs that have fallen out of favor with my ears or to start moving new music exclusively on my iPhone.  I find both options unsatisfactory.  In fact, I’m quite proud of most of my music—even the stuff that is so bad that it’s good.  For example:

#5 We Don’t Need Another Hero by Tina Turner

I don’t know what Tina is singing about in this song, but the wailing saxophone makes me long for a youthful Bill Clinton to appear on The Arsenio Hall Show while the children singing makes me a tad uncomfortable. 

#4 Show Me The Way by Styx

Despite Dennis DeYoung once ignoring my chants of “Domo Arigato!” on a flight from Vegas, this song remains a favorite.  During the Persian Gulf War in 1990-91, a DJ took this song and spliced clips of families wishing their loved ones a safe and speedy return home and radio stations played it every 8 minutes.  It was one of those songs that tugged at your heartstrings no matter who you were.

#3 Meet Me Halfway by Black Eyed Peas

If you ignore the part of the song that features robotic vocals, the Peas actually put together a pretty catchy hook.

#2 James Brown Is Dead by LA Style

James Brown was alive and well in 1992, but don't tell LA Style.  Despite being low on substance, this song is high on nostalgia.  Don’t pretend you weren’t jamming to the B-96 Saturday Night Dance Party back in the day because you were!  If you know who the names Tim Spinnin’ Shommer and Brian “Hit Mix” Middleton, then you’ll appreciate all this song has to offer.

#1 All Night Long by Lionel Richie

All people born before the year 1984 know this gem and can successfully rattle off exactly one lyric to the song: “Fiesta, forever!”    

Mom.

5/13/12

I hadn’t been feeling well the weekend that my mom first came down to visit me at college.  For no obvious reason, I was throwing up like it was my major.  By Sunday, I was so sick that my mom took me to the ER.  Fast forward 12 hours, and my appendix was removed and multiple tubes protruded from my body.  A simple appendectomy became more complex after my appendix decided to wrap itself around some other appendage.  My doctor told me this was the reason I experienced years of pain and discomfort including one previous trip to the ER over prom weekend.  Through it all, my mom was at my side sticking it out with me.  She slept down the hall in a tiny room and even had to help me shower (which was probably equally embarrassing for both of us).  Her job at the time only gave her two precious weeks of vacation time, and she wound up burning a week of it with me at the ever-charming Bloomington Hospital.  She actually worked a second job at the time, and had to put that aside as well.  Five days later when I was finally released, it was an extremely warm October night littered with severe weather watches and warnings.  Despite both of us having limited night vision, my mom somehow navigated the three hour drive home through the darkness and thunderstorms in my 1985 Firebird (with faulty windshield wipers).  Tornadoes ripped through southern Indiana that night, yet no matter how bad the weather was, she just kept driving.  For more than three hours she drove until we eventually made it home.  The whole ordeal sticks out as one of hundreds of shining examples of my mom’s unconditional love.  It sums up what I’ve been so very fortunate to have all these many years: a wonderful, caring mother who always put her children first, and poured all she had in order to take care of her children.  I love you, mom.  Happy Mother’s Day!

Some Random Things I've Learned Over The Past 34 Years

4/23/12

• One of the most precious resources on earth is family.  As each year passes, I am reminded just how fortunate I am to have an amazing mother, father, and brother.  My extended family is pretty cool, too.

• When we were young, our grandparents bragged about us.  As we get older, we brag about our grandparents.

• People don’t listen to their voicemail.

This tree survived a fire and still stands in the park where I grew up.

• Bloody Marys excite most everyone I know…except me.  I wish I liked them.  I also wish I liked bananas.  They seem like such a fun thing to peel and eat, but if only someone would do something about the taste.

• It is difficult to truly make me laugh.

• A diet is something that’s viewed as temporary.  It’s not—a diet is a way of life.  You really are what you eat.  My life improved dramatically when I started eating only organic fruits & vegetables.  My life changed even more for the better when I eliminated gluten from my diet. 

• If Ryan Seacrest can do it, so can you.

• We spend so much time trying to fit in when we were born to stand out.

• Sometimes sentences end with prepositions.  Life goes on.

• I once heard a quote from Kenny Rogers that I think is pretty cool: "There are 3 versions of each of us. The version you think I am, the version I think I am and who I really am. The closer you can make those 3 versions, the longer you’ll last and the more authentic you are.”  Also, The Gambler is a great song.

• Super-religious people frighten me.  

• The song “Radar Love” is good.  Damn good.

• Everybody thinks their baby is smarter than all other babies.  Cuter, too.

• I am happy that I’m a man for a million reasons.  One such reason is that women have to attend showers.  I can’t think of a less appealing way to spend a Saturday.

• We are all blessed with a specific gift and/or talent.  It’s our responsibility to share those gifts with the world.

• Finally, a quote from Maya Angelou: "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."  Bravo.

The First Person To Let Me Through The Door

2/18/12

A skinny 18 year-old kid from Schererville, Indiana jumped off the South Shore train at Chicago’s Randolph Street Station that November morning in 1995.  It was my first day as an intern at a radio station called “FM-100” (100.3FM/WPNT-FM) and I couldn't be more thrilled to get to work.  During an impromptu trip to Chicago a few weeks earlier, my friend Steve and I stopped by the studios of that same radio station seeking a tour.  By the conclusion of the tour, I had talked myself into an internship with Lynne Murray—the midday personality who doubled as the Music Director of the station.  Lynne was a radio veteran who had worked at stations all across the west before landing in Chicago.  Her colleagues referred to her as a “tough broad” and a lover of “boy scouts.”  The latter was made clear on my first day as an intern.  Before slipping on her headphones to go on the air, she turned to me and said, “Oh, and by the way, I don’t date the men I work with.”  I didn’t know why she was telling me that, but I did learn later than she had a penchant for younger men.  

Having worked in the Adult Contemporary format for the bulk of her career, Lynne was used to working with men who programmed stations geared toward women.  She couldn’t stand hearing her male colleagues tell her what women want.  She made mention of it multiple times during my four-month internship.  The following year after my internship ended, I made another surprise visit to Lynne at the studios in the Hancock Tower.  My timing was perfect since she was looking to hire someone to run the controls for an upcoming Sunday morning shift.  I happily accepted and, with that, started my radio career.  I would end up outlasting Lynne at the radio station—she (along with the majority of the on-air staff) was fired in 1997 when the station was sold.  We kept in touch over the next few years through letters, phone calls, and email.  I’ll never forget one particular email that still stands out in my head.  In the spring of 2001, Lynne wrote, “So I’m standing at White Hen on Sunday morning buying a cup of coffee…imagine my surprise when I heard my only intern’s voice on the radio giving me the weather!  My heart was bursting with pride!  I’m so proud of you!”  I consider it high praise especially considering Lynne had another intern after my internship expired.  You couldn’t wipe the smile off my face.  It was—and remains—the greatest compliment that anyone in the business has ever paid me.  A few weeks later, a colleague phoned me with some terrible news: Lynne was found dead in her apartment.  

A packed room filled with friends and former colleagues gathered at Mike Ditka’s Restaurant to honor Lynne’s memory.  We celebrated her the way she would have wanted—sharing our favorite Lynne stories and, of course, wine.  That evening as I exited, I saw a prayer card sitting on a table next to some photos of Lynne.  I slid the card into my pocket.  Since that day, I haven’t gone to work without Lynne at my side.  That same prayer card that I slid into my pocket in 2001 still remains in a special compartment of my work bag.  The card looks a bit weathered these days, but it still serves as a reminder of the woman who took a chance by hiring some teenaged kid from Indiana.  Thank you, Lynne, for believing in me and for being at my side all these many years.   

Squaring Off

Someone's dog will likely win.

Despite the odds, I’m more likely to buy a Powerball lottery ticket than a square in this weekend's Superbowl office pool.  What usually happens is that I’ll receive the numbers 5 and 8—essentially assuring myself of not winning a dime.  Should my numbers actually come up, I’m led into a false sense of security that I’ll be $500 richer provided the score remains the same with 36 seconds remaining in the second quarter.  What ends up happening, of course, is that some kicker with a name such as Gramǟtica will nail a 72-yard field goal as time expires.  That $500 prize instead will go to someone named Alice from accounting who isn’t even watching the game—Alice is happily tuned into the Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet.

An Italian Lesson That Translates to All Languages

1/24/12

Seeing photos of the huge, beautiful Italian cruise ship on its side is a frightening and uncomfortable sight.  Nearly a year ago, I took that same cruise.  While it was aboard a different, smaller Costa cruise ship, the route was the same.  I wondered if any of the wonderful people we met onboard that vessel were working on the troubled vessel.  I recall going to our mandatory safety briefing.  We were all given life jackets with whistles attached.  During the safety demonstration, most people laughed, drank beer, and blew their whistles.  It was  similar to how people behave during the safety briefing on airplanes.  While the flight attendants review important instructions, 95% of the passengers ignore them.  I imagine that these are the same 95% of people who would claim to the media that the staff was ill-prepared for an emergency.  A wise woman once told me that the root word of learn is ear…don’t forget to use yours.

The Opti-Grab, Pt. II

Steve Martin's follow up to Opti-Grab Glasses

1 /15/12   

I came across one of these goofy-looking shovels with the kinked handles at the hardware store.  A sign described the shovels using phraseology such as: “ergonomically bent handle…that helps scoop snow.”  Why that all sounds credible, but how does it actually compare to shovels with regular handles?  I imagine the guy who invented these shovels sipping on Pina Coladas while sitting on a warm, sunny beach laughing about how many millions he made on snow shovels with stupid-looking handles.

Christmas Guarantees

12/25/11

Christmas Day 2011 in Chicago

You're guaranteed a few things today:

-Someone will be shocked at how few cars were on the road.  "We made it here in record time!"

-Your relatives will open presents in order of youngest to oldest.  Your relatives will also break out the same jokes from previous years about who's older than whom.  Fake laughter will ensue.

-Someone will receive a Chia Pet.  Somebody must be buying them since the TV commercials re-appear each season.

-A long-winded rant from your angry aunt about how next Christmas there will be no gift exchange

-The gift of socks

-A text from an unknown phone number that says, "Merry Christmas!" that you'll spend the rest of the afternoon trying to figure out who sent it

-No one will receive The Clapper

-The finest wine...out of a box

-Green bean casserole

Everyone Has A Story

12/1/11

Take the time to listen to someone's story.

An elderly man stood next to a pillar while his wife struggled with their camera.  Thinking that they needed help, Mandy walked over and introduced herself.  The elderly woman apologized for her camera ignorance and then said that her husband was a former soldier who served in the British army during World War II.  He was stationed on the island of Malta and showed us a photo of him in full army uniform taken in 1944 at this very place where we were standing 56 years later.  His dream was to get back to this very place and pay respect to his platoon.  It was a beautiful piece of history and one of the highlights of our Mediterranean cruise.  Everybody has a story.  Take the time to listen and you, too, might share in a piece of history.