Final Thoughts on Paul Konerko

In all my years of attending White Sox games, I can only recall two where I walked out of the park thinking about something other than whether the Sox won or lost the game.  The first occasion happened in 2006 when the White Sox handed out World Series rings.  The second time was on September 27, 2014--otherwise known as Paul Konerko Day in the State of Illinois.  On this evening, Konerko would play his next to last game in his long and productive baseball career.  Even with a bad back, a broken bone in his hand, and a heavy heart, Konerko showed up just as he had for the previous 16 years.  You could see why White Sox fans identified with "Paulie."  He showed up to work, did his job, and did so with a hard nosed yet modest style of play.  He never whined to the media about his contract or the umpires and never showed up in columns about DUIs or steroids.  Paul did not like the spotlight or being center of attention, and he didn't welcome the hoopla of his impending retirement.  He wanted to go out his way...quietly.

On an evening where he was presented with countless gifts from his current and former teammates as well as a bronze statue of himself, Konerko maintained his composure and spoke gracefully and humbly (he first thanked and congratulated the visiting Kansas City Royals who had clinched a post-season birth the evening prior).  Listening to Konerko, I felt like I was listening to an old friend or even a guy sitting in the row behind me.  Paulie was one of us.  

We unfairly put athletes on pedestals, but then seem surprised when they disappoint us.  After all, athletes are humans just like the rest of us.  Yet, Konerko never seemed disappointed his fans.  He could hit into double play after double play, but his fans never turned on him.  It's rare for fans to give any player a free pass, but it happened. 

White Sox fans are notorious for finding excuses not to go to the ballpark, yet 38,160 of them showed up on Paul Konerko Night.  We wanted to say goodbye to our Captain and the final remaining player from the World Champion 2005 team.  That night, Paul Konerko the human being was proudly on display: husband, father to three kids, and humble leader of the White Sox.  Paul was no longer an athlete in my eyes, but a mere mortal like the rest of the 38,000 seated there.  First base just won't look the same again.  You will be missed, Paulie.

A (Chelsea) Dagger To My Ears

Each Chicago sports team has a soundtrack all their own.  The instrumental version of "Bear Down Chicago Bears" plays before, during, and after each Sunday Bears game.  The song has outlived the dated "Superbowl Shuffle"--and with good reason.  The Bulls set the standard for announcing the starting lineup thanks to "Sirius" by The Alan Parsons Project.  We also can't forget the contributions made by Gary Glitter's "Rock & Roll, Part II" during the 1990s (a song many incorrectly believe is called "Na-Nah-Nah-Nah-Nah-HEY!").  The White Sox go hand-in-hand with "Thunderstruck" by AC/DC as well as Journey's "Don't Stop Believin" thanks to the 2005 World Series run.  That brings us to the Cubs who really haven't won anything.  They're stuck with the classic "Go Cubs Go" as well as that Eddie Vedder gem from the 2008 series called "All The Way (Until We Get Swept in the First Round)".  Finally, we move to the Blackhawks.  Somehow, a 2006 song about a high class British prostitute called "Chelsea Dagger" has become synonymous with the Hawks.  It's also a song that makes my ears bleed.  As a Chicagoan, I feel it is my duty to eat deep dish pizza, frequent Navy Pier, and refer to the living room as the "fronch room"--despite not liking any of those things.  The same can be said for the Hawks.  I've never been a fan, but certainly root for them.  However, I can't stand that stupid song that every media outlet plays whenever conversation turns to hockey.  Am I wrong to feel this way?

Look Up

"You'll never get anywhere when your head is facing down."

This video more eloquently tells the story.

Declaring War on the Word "Epic"

America, your use of the word epic has reached epic proportions and must stop immediately.  

Love At First Spin

We fell in love in front of dryer #13.

Many movies and TV commercials want you to believe it's possible for a man and woman to fall in love at a laundromat.  Think about it: dryer lint, a handful of quarters, and the sound of a Mexican soap opera playing on an old television screen...the whole scene practically screams romance.  In reality, there's usually a handful of children milling about the place while an over-sized woman named Norma hollers at them.  Even if you're lucky enough to run into someone who catches your eye, good luck trying to make small talk while trying not to look at her neatly folded panties.
 

A Gift From The Heavens ala Service Merchandise

Did you know the phrase “a gift from the heavens” originated at a Service Merchandise store?  It was Service Merchandise that birthed the concept that a every customer should fill out a slip listing the product he wished to purchase, hand said slip to the clerk, and then stared patiently at a conveyor belt extending from a giant hole in the ceiling.  A customer named Mavis was overheard saying, “This is truly a gift from the heavens!” after a box containing her wide-slot toaster descended from the ceiling hole, down the conveyor belt, and to the hands of a giddy Mavis.  Much like the void at shopping centers all across America, Service Merchandise left us all feeling empty when the final store closed its doors in 2002.  The real tragedy is that no competing retailer has adopted the brilliant idea of using a conveyor belt in their stores.

Did I Just Hear Those Lyrics?

It's taken about 20 years, but Jeffrey Dahmer has finally made his way into the lyrics of a pop song.  A hat tip to Katy Perry for her I'm-Still-Not-Sure-Why-This-Terrible-Song-Is-Popular "Dark Horse" for giving a cannibal his due lyric.  Though I suppose the real credit goes to the rapper Juicy J because he actually raps the lyrics:

She’s a beast
I call her Karma (come back)
She eats your heart out
Like Jeffrey Dahmer (woo)

Now that Jeffrey Dahmer has finally made his way into music, it knocks two older songs and their odd lyrics out of the top spots on the countdown.  

"The Way I Am" - Ingrid Michaelson

Long before Bill Rancic was the face of Rogaine, Ingrid Michaelson put the idea in Jiuliana Rancic's head.

"Break It Down Again" - Tears for Fears

Is there a more pleasurable image to envision than Moses on a motorbike? 

Don't Call The Ice Cream Police

Battling the flu one January evening, I could no longer tolerate my sore throat and took action.  On several occasions, I passed a tiny convenience store about three blocks from my apartment so I set out that snowy night to brave the elements in hopes of getting some ice cream to sooth the razor blades in my throat.  When I entered the store, a short bald Russian man paid me no attention as he sat behind the counter watching a tiny black and white TV.  With my head throbbing, I quickly moved to the large cooler at the back of the store, but I found no ice cream.  An aisle over, I stumbled upon a small freezer filled with ice cream, but a strip of masking tape stood guard over the freezer door.  In my fevered state, my brain couldn’t compute why the freezer was haphazardly taped shut, so I headed to the counter to ask the Russian.  He stammered in broken English something about the bureaucrats at city hall and that he did not have an ice cream license.  I stood there confused and dumbfounded.  Was there such a thing as an ice cream license?  Did you have to stand in line at a DMV-like facility to get said license?  Did I take too much ibuprofen?  The Russian nervously eyed around the store until he eventually broke the silence.  “

You’re not working undercover for the city?” he asked. 

“No,” I said. 

“OK.  I sell you ice cream.”

"Alright," I said as I quietly questioned whether I really wanted unlicensed ice cream. 

As the two of us shuffled to the back of the store, the old Russian mumbled to himself before cautiously lifting the tape off the freezer doors allowing unrestricted access to the frozen concoction.  Without much deliberation, I grabbed a pint of Butter Pecan, paid him, and trekked home.  A few months later I happened upon the corner store and noticed a “FOR LEASE” sign in the now empty storefront.  I bet the Chicago Department of Ice Cream Licensing shut him down. 

Rejected Buzzfeed Quizes

"Monroe!"

Buzzfeed gives closure to our curiosity over "What Golden Girl Are You?" or "What 90s Alt Rocker Would You Be?".  I hope that you're able to sleep well tonight knowing that you're Blanche and Tori Amos.  Here are some other Buzzfeed quizzes that didn't quite make the cut:

What Yacht-Rock Band Are You?  I got Robbie Dupree.

What 1980s Saturday Morning Commercial That Aired During Cartoons Are You?  I got Ecto Cooler. 

What Cosby Sweater Are You?  I got bright blue with burnt persimmon-colored trapezoids across the chest.

What Forwarded Email From Your Aunt Helen Are You?  I got "Let's Boycott Gas Stations on April 15th."

What SNL Sketch Starring Ellen Cleghorne Are You?  I got ???

What Flavor of Marshmallow from Lucky Charms Are You?  I got Purple Horseshoe.

What Level of Super Mario Brothers 3 Are You?  I got level 7--Iced Land

What 1990s Cubs Backup Player Are You?  I got Scott Bullett.

What Racist Celebrity Are You?  I got Mel Gibson.

What Space of the Bingo Card Are You?  I'm O-69.

What Wacky Sitcom Neighbor Are You?  I did not get Monroe from Too Close For Comfort

What Retired Catchphrase Are You?  I got "psyche!".

What TV Show Theme Song Lyric Are You?  I got "Sha-La-La-La" from "Family Ties"

What Venereal Disease Are You?  I got crabs.

Desperately Seeking Sunshine

You've heard the expression: "the only certainties in life are death and taxes."  As Chicagoans, we're guaranteed death, taxes, corrupt politicians, and endless complaining about the weather.  This unseasonably cold winter has earned high marks on my annoyance scale followed closely by complaints about the weather.  Aside from selfies, Facebook is littered with pictures of thermometers that read "-4."  It's cold.  Brutal cold.  High temperatures that are numbers less than zero.  We already had more snow in mid-January than we normally should get all season.  You know what, we have every right to complain!

To cope, I've found myself scheduling my weekend showers at noon.  Who schedules their showers, you're asking?  I do.  At noon, the sun shines directly above my bathroom window and brightens my bathtub in a way that makes bleach blush.  These days my body is craving Vitamin D like a plant desperately seeks sunshine.  If this cold doesn't let up soon, I may call off work....in order to catch my noon appointment with my shower.      

The Power of Local Radio

Having spent the majority of the 2000s working in radio, I've been fortunate to have shared an elevator with Dave Matthews, spoke to Jennifer Garner, and hugged teen crush Jenny McCarthy (she's tiny!).  But aside from the celebrity angle, I have also been blessed to be a part of Eric & Kathy's annual radiothon to support Children's Memorial Hospital (now known as Lurie Children's Hospital).  This annual fundraiser introduced me to dozens of brave children with rare and sometimes fatal diseases.  One story in particular had me sitting in a locked studio for nearly a half hour crying.  The story featured a brave you boy named Ollie whose dying wish was to be a train.  Thanks to the Make-A-Wish Foundation, Ollie's dream came true in 2003 when he sat behind the controls of a Metra locomotive and then Metra named an engine in his honor (the story is best detailed here).  Each year during the radiothon, Ollie's story gets revisited and it never fails to choke me up.  Radio has a unique ability to touch the lives of its listeners in a way that no iPod, Spotify playlist, or satellite radio channel can.  At times it's easy to lose sight of this, but then a story such as Ollie's reminds me and gives me pause.  This past Christmas, a radio station in Kansas City rolled out their annual Christmas Wish feature, and it left me speechless.  It's been viewed over 9,000,000 times on Buzzfeed.  If you haven't invested 15 minutes watching this video, then stop what you're doing and Do. It. Now.

Dropping The Misses and Mister

I bumped into one of my high school teachers at Target, and my instincts immediately took over when I said, "Oh, hello Miss Laskey."

"Miss Laskey?!?" she replies.  "You know you're old enough to call me Rita, right?"

Later at a friend's birthday party, I struck up a conversation with my friend's dad.  "Hey, Mister Sullivan."

"Hi, Todd," he said.  "You know you can call me Ron, right?"

My answer to both questions is: "Yes, I know that I could, but I can't."

Despite being in my mid-30s, I automatically revert to being a teenager around former teachers or parents of my friends.  It just feels wrong to call my 10th grade Spanish teacher "Rita" even if 20 years ago that's what I called her behind her back.  As for my friends' parents...the words just sound disrespectful when they come out of my mouth.  They're always be "Mister or Misses So-And-So" to me.  While I'm perfectly fine continuing these formalities, it seems to bother them more than it bothers me.  

A Babysitter Cancels...The World Reacts

When a couple goes through a long and convoluted process to get tickets in order to spend $700 on an extravagant dinner, they expect perfection.  But what happens when you're sharing that experience with 80 other people who jumped through the same hoops and are paying the same $700 on dinner....but they decided to bring their fussy 8-month old infant along?  Chef and Alinea mastermind Grant Achatz took to Twitter to get express his frustration over whether or not he should interject.

My favorite response to said Tweet was:
"I don't bring my bottle of whiskey to Chuck E. Cheese, please don't bring your infant to Alinea. And yes. If you can afford a ticket to Alinea, then you can afford a babysitter."

What happened next?  The story makes national news.  As people chimed in and the story unfolded across all forms of media, we learned that the folks who brought their 8 month old to Alinea didn't intend to bring their infant, but were forced to because their babysitter canceled.  This person is now the most talked-about babysitter since Elisabeth Shue.

Irresistible Video Titles

Not too long ago, you couldn't open your email inbox and not find a handful of forwarded jokes, articles, or pictures.  These emails usually contained subject lines like: "Too funny!", "Amazing...Pass It On!', or "The Funniest Thing You'll See Today!".  In other words, the subject lines read like they were written by a seventh grader.  We don't forward too many emails these days, but instead post them to Pinterest or Facebook.  I've noticed that the titles of videos have gotten more and more appealing causing me to click on waaaay too many links.  For example:

Gorgeous Video Shows Why An Entire State Is Obsessed With One Wave 

Every Citizen Should Watch This: The End of American As We Know It

After I Saw This, I Put Down My Phone And Didn't Pick It Up The Rest of The Day...

Some People Call It The Best Anti-Smoking Plan Yet.  After Watching, I May Be One Of Them

The Awesome Reason This Public Library Has No Books

That Burger Looks Awesome But It's Hiding More Secrets Than A Teenage Diary

I Didn't Think She Could Get Any Cuter, But In 20 Seconds Something Beautiful Happens

This Guy Used A Groupon to Give His Kitten a Photoshoot at JC Penney & Oh My God It's Amazing!

A 9-Year Old Girl Quietly Takes The Stage. What She Did Next Gave Me Chills I'll Never Forget.

Things To Be Thankful For When It's -16 Degrees

• CTA Bus Tracker so you don't have to stand in the cold helplessly staring down Sheridan for the elusive 147 bus
• Food Delivery because there's no way I'm going out to fight with a dozen people over a loaf of White Bread at Jewel
• Netflix / Hulu / DVRs make it possible to watch all three seasons of Louie without having to watch the local meteorologists deliver bad news on live TV
• Fireplaces since they not only scratch our primitive urge to gather around fires but they're also romantic, relaxing, and warm
• The Pedway is a handy shortcut and a warmer alternative than walking outside--plus it now has stained glass windows!
• Soup --it is good food, dammit!
• Stocking up on discounted booze at the Dominicks going-out-of-business-sale so that you can break open a bottle (or 4) of wine while snowed in

How Saying "May The Force Be With You" Transformed Lives

Photo: Chicago Tribune/RedEye

Photo: Chicagoist/Jill Howe

When the afternoon CTA Red Line train is packed with tired and hungry commuters who just want to get home, a friendly voice is there to soothe the nerves of passengers.  The voice is that of CTA Conductor Michael Powell.  His messages are always simple and gentle ("Welcome aboard, nice to see you!") and mixed with subtle humor ("Good night.  May the force be with you.").  Whether it was someone's first ride on the CTA or a daily commuter, Powell's announcements always managed to turn frowns upside down.  It wasn't necessarily because what he said was funny or even unexpected...but rather because his tidbits contained warmth (something that the CTA generally lacks).  With a face as friendly as his voice, it would not surprise many to learn that Powell dons traditional blue and white striped overalls and an engineer's cap on the job and also has a basement filled with toy trains.  With little fanfare, Powell retired on New Years Eve 2013 leaving a void that likely will go unfilled.  We'll miss you, Michael!