The Battle of the Less Dudely Man

8/1/12

Not even carrying tools can up the manliness of walking this dog.

Imagine for a moment a very tall, dudely-looking guy walking down the street with a Dachshund.  This guy, who looked like he was a defensive lineman for his college football team and could likely blow up a football using only his mouth, awkwardly walked down the street with the tiny dog in tow.  The leash was barely long enough for him to walk little Sparky and still stand up straight.  The dog seemed to relish the fact that his owner looked (and probably felt) uncomfortable.  The odds are pretty good that the dog belonged to his wife, girlfriend, or mistress...and definitely not Mr. Jock Strap.  For whatever reason, I found the whole sight funny.  “How unmanly it must be for this guy,” I thought as I passed him on the street.  It wasn’t until I spotted my reflection in a window that I ate my words.  There I was walking down the street carrying a 14 lb. tub of scoopable cat litter.

Another Week, Another Recall

7/27/12

Each week, the news contains at least one heartwarming story just like this :

Looks like Ed's engine is over-heating again.

The Ford Motor Company has issued a recall on all 2009 Ford Z-50 Sport Utility Vehicles.  Independent tests confirm that when the Z-50 comes into contact with asphalt, it will immediately burst into a flame ball the size of Maryland.  Laboratory tests also showed that when the Z-50 reached speeds above 45 MPH, the breaks would no longer function causing drivers to crash into passers-by. Additionally, engineers cited at least three occasions of Z-50 drivers who rolled down the passenger's side window only to be bitten by African Killer Bees.  (Yes, those same killer bees that you've been hearing about since the 7th grade--they're here and they're pissed off!).  Ford encourages all owners of the 2009 Ford Z-50 with a valid warranty to immediately drive it into the nearest dealership for immediate repairs. 

Does Anyone Say "I Do" to the Video...More Than Once?

7/26/12

Every married couple who tied the knot after 1990 has one of these.  Chances are that it's sitting among a dusty pile of aging VCR tapes and rarely-viewed DVDs that were pushed to the back of the entertainment center.  I'm talking about the wedding video.  This video likely contains just over 3 hours of footage including that part in the ceremony where the bride started laughing uncontrollably as well as when your wacky Uncle Mike danced the moonwalk while topless at the reception.  It likely cost $2,000 to have these precious moments captured on film.  Here's my question: outside of an anniversary or the first time they received the video, do couples ever watch their wedding video?

My Top 5 Awesomely Bad Songs

7/15/12

After uploading Coastin’ by Cities Aviv (also known as song number 3,970), my iPod finally had enough.  Never in my seven years of owning this rectangular jukebox did I ever expect to see the message: “There is not enough room to upload the selected songs.”  Moving forward, I can either delete songs that have fallen out of favor with my ears or to start moving new music exclusively on my iPhone.  I find both options unsatisfactory.  In fact, I’m quite proud of most of my music—even the stuff that is so bad that it’s good.  For example:

#5 We Don’t Need Another Hero by Tina Turner

I don’t know what Tina is singing about in this song, but the wailing saxophone makes me long for a youthful Bill Clinton to appear on The Arsenio Hall Show while the children singing makes me a tad uncomfortable. 

#4 Show Me The Way by Styx

Despite Dennis DeYoung once ignoring my chants of “Domo Arigato!” on a flight from Vegas, this song remains a favorite.  During the Persian Gulf War in 1990-91, a DJ took this song and spliced clips of families wishing their loved ones a safe and speedy return home and radio stations played it every 8 minutes.  It was one of those songs that tugged at your heartstrings no matter who you were.

#3 Meet Me Halfway by Black Eyed Peas

If you ignore the part of the song that features robotic vocals, the Peas actually put together a pretty catchy hook.

#2 James Brown Is Dead by LA Style

James Brown was alive and well in 1992, but don't tell LA Style.  Despite being low on substance, this song is high on nostalgia.  Don’t pretend you weren’t jamming to the B-96 Saturday Night Dance Party back in the day because you were!  If you know who the names Tim Spinnin’ Shommer and Brian “Hit Mix” Middleton, then you’ll appreciate all this song has to offer.

#1 All Night Long by Lionel Richie

All people born before the year 1984 know this gem and can successfully rattle off exactly one lyric to the song: “Fiesta, forever!”