Five Songs From 2013 You May Have Missed

One of my faves of 2013

The month of December is usually reserved for lots of "top stories" and "best-of" lists from the year that really is the product of lazy journalism.  You don't need to be bored with a list of songs from 2013 that I really liked ("Get Lucky" from Daft Punk, for example) and I won't argue that I think "Royals" from Lorde sounds like nails on a chalkboard.  Instead, I present some songs that I feel are pretty darn good that you may have missed over the past 12 months.  Enjoy.  See you in 2014!

Chris Malinchak "So Good To Me" 
Rhye "The Fall"
Olly Murs f/ Flo Rida "Troublemaker"
Mayor Hawthorne "Her Favorite Song"
Pharrell Williams "Happy"

JT & SNL

What a difference a dozen years make.  As Justin Timberlake gets set to appear with Jimmy Fallon for 2013's last SNL, these two pictures show the progression of boy band singer into a musician/comedic/fashion icon.  If he can do it, so can you.

The Last Day of Khakis: 2013 Edition

Today, I raise a glass in celebration of this being the final day in 2013 that I will don a pair of khakis.  Created in 1846 as a way to zap all the creativity from those who wore them, khaki pants are a staple among white men in the corporate world.  Join with me as I gleefully embrace the "no dress code for the rest of the year" rule and switch to denim until 2014.  (Special thanks to that large puddle that left its mark this morning on the back of my khakis.)

"There'll Be Scary Ghost Stories..."

When you think about the Christmas season, a million things pop into your head: exchanging presents, going to Grandma's house, Clark Griswold stringing a million lights, and so forth.  Apparently, though, some people like telling scary ghost stories.  I know this because Andy Williams has been singing about it in his hit Christmas song, "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year" since 1963.  I imagine children huddled around the Christmas tree munching on those peanut butter cookies with a Hershey Kiss in the center.  Grandpa sits among the children with a flashlight focused on his face while he scares the children with scary stories.  Happy Holidays, everyone!  

Just What Does "Seasons Greetings" Mean?

There are some holiday messages this time of year that are said, such as: Happy holidays!, Merry Christmas!, and A Festivus for the rest of us.  Still, there are others that are seen and not really said.  For example the expression Seasons Greetings tends to appear on signs or Christmas decorations, yet no one would ever come to your house and said, "Mary, Seasons Greetings!"  When you think about it, just what the heck does Seasons Greetings mean?  On the first day of spring, you don't run outside and proclaim Seasons Greetings!  I also doubt that you would say that during cold and flu season.  Much like God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen, we're left to repeating expressions that make no sense, but make us feel like we're contributing to society.

Appropriate Inappropriate Statements On A 2 Degree Day

When the thermometer reads "2", it is perfectly appropriate to say the following things that may be deemed inappropriate on most days:

• It's so cold that my balls hurt.
• If you bring up that whole "so much for global warming thing", I will punch you in the face.
• Hell doesn't sound so bad after all.

Misheard Lyrics: Cups Edition

I've never understood how someone's taco could be missed.  (Pause for the bro's to say that they can understand how a dude could miss a chick's taco.)  Yet, that's what my ears have been hearing in the song "Cups" from Anna Kendrick.  You're gonna miss me by my taco.  You're gonna miss me when I'm gone.  My ears are wrong.  The correct line is: You're gonna miss me by my talk, oh.  You're gonna miss me when I'm gone.  Let us now carry on with more important things in life.

What To Do With Old Magazines?

If they weren't the "world's largest", I'd have room to store them.

For the seventh Christmas in a row, my wish list included renewing my Men's Health Magazine subscription.  The magazine is a personal favorite of mine despite the fact that they always put shirtless dudes on the cover (the last time I checked Oprah's Magazine, I didn't notice any topless photos of Oprah on the cover, fyi).  After I read each magazine, I usually place it on a bookshelf in my bedroom.  I wouldn't throw a book away after I read it, so why would I throw a magazine away, right?  Well, this type of hording reasoning has resulted in my bookshelf reaching its capacity.  After eight-plus years of stacking magazines on a shelf, I knew that I'd eventually run out of real estate.  That time has come.  Do I recycle them?  Give them away?  Burn them?  I'm hesitant to do any of those options. 

Blinded By My Own Selfishness

Sometimes life has a way of gently reminding us that things may not be perfect in our life, but they could be far worse.  I spent my morning at the Dermatology Department of Rush University.  Over the summer, my primacy care doctor noticed a couple suspicious looking moles on my back and referred me to Rush.  With my fair and freckly skin, I'm apparently more at-risk for melanoma that your average Joe Suntan.  I had to wait two-plus months for their first available appointment, but finally had my full body screening in September.  There was one particular mole that concerned my dermatologist, so he took some pictures and arranged for a follow-up visit.  Thankfully, today's visit concluded that there was nothing to be concerned with, and I walked away with a clean bill of health and instructions to be vigilant and lather on the SPF-50. On my El ride back to work, my mind was preoccupied with thoughts of my $2500 insurance deductible.  I was almost too distracted to notice two blind men boarded the train.  The two were no more than 18 or 19 years old and were being assisted by an older woman.  The gave detailed and helpful instructions to the two guys in a way that was friendly yet firm.  "Be mindful of the gap between the platform and the train car," she advised them.  "You always want to count the number of stops until it's yours just in case the announcement isn't audible," she added.  The one guy was wearing a baseball cap and appeared more confident.  The other was pale, thin and had a hairstyle much like Conan O'Brien--only his was brown.  What struck me about this guy (and tugged at my heart) was the look on his face.  He looked terrified.  He struggled to board the train and find a seat--his stick was flailing left and right while he reached out frantically with one of his hands trying to find something to hold.  The older woman was there to assist, but her role was clear: teach these young blind men to be self-sufficient.  She was calm, patient and reassuring.  She told them not to worry if she wasn't there because there would always be someone willing to help.  Moments later, the trio exited the train.  They exited my life almost as quickly as they entered.  All day, I kept wondering about these two boys.  What happened to them that caused their blindness?  Would the older woman continue to assist them?  What if they try to board the train during rush hour when it's crowded and people are less patient?  All the while I couldn't shake the image of the frightened guy.  My problems pale in comparison, and I'm ashamed it took them to remind me.

Welcome Back, Michael Bolton

Who's peaking out from the back?

In early-2002, Michael Bolton was promoting his latest album and stopped by the radio station I worked.  At the time, Bolton's career was in a slump after a healthy decade sporting long hair, Nicolette Sheridan, and heavy exposure on Adult Contemporary radio stations.  His days of putting his name on an old Motown song and watching it hit #1 were over.  That day I was escorting Michael Bolton and his entourage into the radio station, Michael was wearing leather pants.  He mentioned his hotel had a basketball court and how he wanted to play that afternoon.  He asked me if I played.  I informed him that I last played for the St. Joseph Warriors in the 5th grade and averaged 0.0 points that season.  Despite my impressive resume, he still welcomed me to shoot some hoops with him later that day.  I imagined myself speaking to the hotel concierge: "Hi, I'm Todd Ganz.  I'm here to play basketball with Mr. Bolton."  Needless to say, I didn't play.  Fast forward another decade, and Bolton has survived another Nicolette Sheridan breakup and continues to live off the royalties of "How Can We Be Lovers If We Can't Be Friends?" while turning up in roles that no one would expect.  First, he appeared in an SNL Digital Short as Captain Jack Sparrow and now plays a supporting role in Honda's holiday commercials.  Here's a guy who has found his next niche--one where he doesn't take himself too seriously.  Just like leather pants, Michael Bolton has returned.

In March, Wrap It Up

Poor Little Susie.  She celebrates her birthday on December 20th.  Meanwhile, Crazy Owen celebrates the anniversary of his birth each year with a big ol' pile of gifts on a warm August day.  Susie just gets to open one of her Christmas gifts a few days early.  I feel sorry for people with December birthdays.  Between Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the Winter Solstice, it's easy for December birthdays to slip between the cracks leaving the Sagittarius folks feeling empty.  When you're having adult relations with a woman during the month of March, be sure to wrap that thing up.  Thank you.