Return to Sender

My stash of return address labels

9/26/12

Tucked in the corner of my desk is a thick stack of return address labels that seems to grow faster than a pesky earlobe hair.  All of these address labels are "gifts" courtesy of non-profit organizations who enclosed them along with their letter pleading for my financial support.  Who dares to say no to writing a check to St. Jude Children's Hospital after receiving some handy fall-themed return address labels?  A heartless jerk, that's who.  Today, the March of Dimes mailed me another sheet of labels...which this heartless jerk sent straight to the trash.  Why?  Well, I have more of these labels than I'll ever need seeing as I only mail about one thing each month.  Fifteen years ago, it was a different story: I mailed bills, cards, and even letters (remember those?).  Times have changed, and I wish non-profits would rethink wasting their precious resources on printing and mailing address labels that no one needs, wants, or uses.  There has to be another way.  Maybe it's time to go back to another old solicitation strategy: mail a donation letter along with a shiny new nickle.  It just might work.

When Will They Invent An App for This?

9/21/12

Question:
What happens when you wait in line all night to buy the iPhone 5, spend a couple hundred bucks on the gadget, and then walk out of the Apple store? 

Answer:
You drop your phone.  I hope there's an app for this.

The Ultimate Grocery Store Playlist

A little-known, yet highly-enforced Illinois state law dutifully states: "Any owner of a grocery store containing at least eight aisles is required to play smooth adult contemporary music at a reasonable volume."  It's true.  There are those who find this law controversial and those people also do not care for Phil Collins (who we all know is on the grocery store "must-play" soundtrack).  A few other songs are:

"Waiting For A Star to Fall" by Boy Meets Girl

Before the TGIF sitcom, there was an 80s band called Boy Meets Girl. In typical 80s fashion, they had one hit and it featured a saxophone. It's also guaranteed to make you smile while buying deli meat.

"The Way It Is" by Bruce Hornsby

You don't understand why there are only two cashiers on duty?  Hey, man, that's just the way it is.  

"Broken Arrow" by Rod Stewart

Even Rod Stewart doesn't know what this song means, but studies show that it helps sell duct tape.

"How Sweet It Is (To Be Loved By You)" by James Taylor

Lawyers for the Dentist Office Radio Network sued the Grocery Store Radio Network for exclusivity to this song.  The case is pending.

"Captain of Her Heart" by Double

Unfortunately, it isn't allowed to be played during double coupon days.

"The Living Years" by Mike & The Mechanics
This tearjerker gets most of its exposure the week preceding Father's Day (and also satisfies the hourly Phil Collins quota).

"Something About You" by Level 42

As soon as you start to sing along, some asshat will make an announcement over the loud speaker and totally ruin your good mood.

"Stars" by Simply Red

Three out of four grocery stores claim this song makes people buy more Schweppe's Raspberry Ginger Ale.

" Back For Good" by Take That

All of your struggles maneuvering that shopping cart with the wobbly wheel melt when this song plays.

(Credit to Angel L. and Kimmy L. whose Facebook posts inspired this topic)

Our Short-Lived Strike

9/19/12

Bill Kurtis and Walter Jacobson always had a place at our dinner table back when I was growing up.  No dinner was complete without some sort of red meat on our plates and Channel 2 News in the background.  One evening, my brother and I were fascinated to hear Bill & Walter's story about some Chicago city workers who were on strike.  We questioned my Dad about what a strike was and why people would do it.  Before my Dad could finish explaining, I could see the wheels turning in my brother's head.  After dinner that night, my brother suggested that he and I should also go on strike.  No more taking the garbage out, no more mowing the lawn, no more chores until we received a raise in our allowance, he argued.  So, I followed the orders of my newly-anointed Union boss, made paper signs, and "picketed" at the end of our driveway.  Once my Dad caught wind of what we were doing, he gave us an ultimatum: "If you're on strike, then you can't go to the White Sox game with our Grandpa."  We soon learned that White Sox pitchers weren't the only people who couldn't throw a good strike.

"We've Detected Fraudulent Activity on Your Account."

9/11/13

The Fraud Department at Chase Bank left me an urgent voicemail informing me that one of my credit cards had been flagged for potentially fraudulent activity.  This happened after a series of out-of-town charges recently appeared on my account.  For example, they questioned the following charges that were made over the previous weekend:
$86.00 at Walgreens
$13.89 at Dairy Queen
$46.65 at Nacho Papa's Restaurant
$146.17 at the Hampton Inn in Stevensville, Michigan

Obviously, I was pleased that Chase flagged these charges and followed up with me.  One could easily see that series of purchases and deduce that some burnout with a stolen credit card bought up a bunch of cold medicine at Walgreens, went to a hotel room and made meth.  This was followed by a bender that included a handful of Heath Blizzards and pulled pork nachos.  While all of this added up to a stolen credit card in the minds of the fraud department at Chase, it was far from the truth.  Instead, it perfectly summed up all the hot spots that I hit during my weekend in Southern Michigan.

[UPDATE: My other Chase credit card actually did have fraudulent charges on it.  Thankfully, Chase canceled the card before these punks ordered more t-shirts.]

A Room of Strangers Unites

The sales departments of eight different magazines shared the same Chicago office where I worked in 2001.  In all, there were about 30 people who worked on the 11th floor, yet I only really knew a handful of those people.  That all changed on the morning of September 11^th.  All of us started that day as strangers standing in a crowded corner office while watching the gruesome images of the World Trade Center flicker on a 13-inch television.  When the first tower collapsed, there were gasps followed by tears, hugs, and then more tears.  By later that morning, bonds had formed in that room that would outlast all of our respective jobs with that company.  I’ll never forget what I saw the morning of 9/11, and I’ll never forget the support from all the strangers in that corner office who I now call friends.    

The List

9/5/12

Hello, handsome!

Most couples speak of this “list” that the two have compiled.  This list contains the names of three or four celebrities that—if the opportunity arises—gives the person a free pass to cheat on their significant other.  Let’s face it, one day you will bump into Mila Kunis on a flight to Albuquerque and she will more than likely rip off your clothes and demand that you make sweet, sweet love to her.  Thankfully, your significant other is not allowed to be jealous or angry with you because she has her own list containing names like Ryan Gosling and George Wendt.  Provided that the celebrity is on your list, any reputable divorce attorney will tell you that this does not constitute adultery.  This begs the question: do celebrities have their own lists?  If so, I imagine that these lists contain only the names of non-celebrities.  For example, Amanda Peet’s list probably says: sexy bartender who made me a Fuzzy Navel at that bar in Bora Bora, hot guy I once saw in traffic on I-10, and Todd Ganz.