Declaring War on the Word "Epic"

America, your use of the word epic has reached epic proportions and must stop immediately.  

Love At First Spin

We fell in love in front of dryer #13.

Many movies and TV commercials want you to believe it's possible for a man and woman to fall in love at a laundromat.  Think about it: dryer lint, a handful of quarters, and the sound of a Mexican soap opera playing on an old television screen...the whole scene practically screams romance.  In reality, there's usually a handful of children milling about the place while an over-sized woman named Norma hollers at them.  Even if you're lucky enough to run into someone who catches your eye, good luck trying to make small talk while trying not to look at her neatly folded panties.
 

A Gift From The Heavens ala Service Merchandise

Did you know the phrase “a gift from the heavens” originated at a Service Merchandise store?  It was Service Merchandise that birthed the concept that a every customer should fill out a slip listing the product he wished to purchase, hand said slip to the clerk, and then stared patiently at a conveyor belt extending from a giant hole in the ceiling.  A customer named Mavis was overheard saying, “This is truly a gift from the heavens!” after a box containing her wide-slot toaster descended from the ceiling hole, down the conveyor belt, and to the hands of a giddy Mavis.  Much like the void at shopping centers all across America, Service Merchandise left us all feeling empty when the final store closed its doors in 2002.  The real tragedy is that no competing retailer has adopted the brilliant idea of using a conveyor belt in their stores.