Just Bleeping Beep!

You go to call your friend Jim.  Jim doesn't answer his phone, and you get his voicemail: "Hey, this is Jim.  Leave me a message."  Between the moment Jim's outgoing message ends and the beep sounds, the following options are given: 

"To leave a message, wait for the tone."
"To page the person, press 5."
"To leave a callback number, press 7."
"To vote NO to Proposition 74, press *#"
"To have a star named for your loved one, press 18."
"To be or not to be, press B...or don't."
"To have your steak cooked medium-rare, press 45."
"To listen to Peter Francis Geraci's Bankruptcy Info Tapes, press 11."

Finally, the beep sounds.  You leave Jim a message.

Ten minutes later Jim calls you back and asks what you wanted.

You ask, "Didn't you listen to my voicemail?"

"No," Jim says.  "I saw you called so I called you back."

All of that for nothing.
 

Roger Ebert Always Gave Me An Excuse

Two Chicagoans who gave NY and LA pause.

On average, I see about one movie at the theater each year.  While most people really look forward to seeing movies at the theater, I loathe it.  Clearly, I'm in the minority here because millions of people spend their weekends sitting in movie theaters.  There's just something about spending two hours in a room filled with annoying strangers who slurp 64-ounces of diet Pepsi while devouring fake butter flavored popcorn that completely turns me off on the whole movie going experience.  It hasn't been easy avoiding the theater.  While always truthful, my excuses don't always get me off the hook.  Typically, I tell people that I'll become bored with the movie and start creating my own dialog which will irritate everyone around us.  That excuse seems to work.  If it doesn't, I'd always say that I heard that the movie got bad reviews.  "Oh, yeah?" they would say, "And who said the movie was bad?"  My answer was always the same: "Roger Ebert."  The truth is that I never actually knew if Ebert liked the movie or not, but I would always say that he didn't (sorry, Roger!).  It usually worked.  On top of the millions of reasons that Roger will be missed, I would like to add one more.