Now Written With REAL Words!

It has REAL cheese, but what about the macaroni?

I believe in a world that wouldn't need to qualify that a dish called "macaroni and cheese" shouldn't have to qualify that it's actually made with REAL cheese.  In my world, peanut-butter M&M's contain with REAL peanut butter and REAL M's!  Advertisers should not have to qualify that their ginger ale is made with real ginger or even that their meaty pasta sauce is made with actual meat--although meat could mean just about anything, right IKEA?

Just Bleeping Beep!

You go to call your friend Jim.  Jim doesn't answer his phone, and you get his voicemail: "Hey, this is Jim.  Leave me a message."  Between the moment Jim's outgoing message ends and the beep sounds, the following options are given: 

"To leave a message, wait for the tone."
"To page the person, press 5."
"To leave a callback number, press 7."
"To vote NO to Proposition 74, press *#"
"To have a star named for your loved one, press 18."
"To be or not to be, press B...or don't."
"To have your steak cooked medium-rare, press 45."
"To listen to Peter Francis Geraci's Bankruptcy Info Tapes, press 11."

Finally, the beep sounds.  You leave Jim a message.

Ten minutes later Jim calls you back and asks what you wanted.

You ask, "Didn't you listen to my voicemail?"

"No," Jim says.  "I saw you called so I called you back."

All of that for nothing.
 

Roger Ebert Always Gave Me An Excuse

Two Chicagoans who gave NY and LA pause.

On average, I see about one movie at the theater each year.  While most people really look forward to seeing movies at the theater, I loathe it.  Clearly, I'm in the minority here because millions of people spend their weekends sitting in movie theaters.  There's just something about spending two hours in a room filled with annoying strangers who slurp 64-ounces of diet Pepsi while devouring fake butter flavored popcorn that completely turns me off on the whole movie going experience.  It hasn't been easy avoiding the theater.  While always truthful, my excuses don't always get me off the hook.  Typically, I tell people that I'll become bored with the movie and start creating my own dialog which will irritate everyone around us.  That excuse seems to work.  If it doesn't, I'd always say that I heard that the movie got bad reviews.  "Oh, yeah?" they would say, "And who said the movie was bad?"  My answer was always the same: "Roger Ebert."  The truth is that I never actually knew if Ebert liked the movie or not, but I would always say that he didn't (sorry, Roger!).  It usually worked.  On top of the millions of reasons that Roger will be missed, I would like to add one more.
  

Home

This is where I grew up.

What is it about the song "Home" from Phillip Phillips that has advertisers clamoring to use it in their commercials?  It's quite simple, really.  Next to the word family, there is no other word like home that elicits such an immediate, passionate, and emotional response.  It's an attachment that cannot be explained; it's human nature.  Maybe it’s the house you were born or perhaps the house where you lived your formidable teen years, but we all have that one special place that we call home.  For me that place is not a house, but rather a stretch of railroad tracks near the small Indiana subdivision where I was raised.  From the mid-1980s until the mid-1990s, I spent the bulk of my adolescence on this former Pennsylvania Railroad mainline.  The line once saw dozens of diesels hauling coal, auto parts, and even passengers, but by the late-80s was a shell of its former self.  During the tracks twilight years, I was out watching 70 year-old men switch train cars for the local Ford plant or else I was making my patented late-night walk down the tracks with my friend John.  Despite the passing years, my memories of home are fond and still vivid.  Business on the old tracks dried up in the late-90s and nature soon took over the route.  Where two sets of shiny rails once proudly stood, weeds and trees now rule the right of way.  I flinched and (admittedly) gasped when I learned that the end of the line for these idle tracks is near.  Soon the rusted rails and rotting ties will be torn up and hauled away.  While this news tugs at my heart, I am pleased to learn that a bike path might soon replace the tracks.  One day, I’ll be able to go home again.

Your Oscar Speech

These statues would like to thank the Academy.

2/24/13

Imagine for a moment that you're accepting an award that recognizes your work.  As you step on stage to accept said award, you offer thanks to those responsible for getting to where you are today--all in just 30 seconds.  After mentioning your spouse, family, or perhaps God, who would you thank?  Most likely it will be someone who mentored or motivated you.  But what about those other people: the people who told us that we weren't good enough.  Sometimes proving someone wrong is the greatest motivation.  Michael Jordan once mentioned that his high school basketball coach who cut him from the team served as one the biggest influences on his life.  Maybe it's being turned down for a job, rejected by someone you dated, or being told that you'll never have a future doing what you're most passionate...the opportunities are endless.  Who do you want to thank?

PB&J

"Sometimes all you need is a peanut butter & jelly sandwich and all is right with the world." 
--Socrates?
--Robert Frost??
--Paula Deen???

2/10/13