Look Up

"You'll never get anywhere when your head is facing down."

This video more eloquently tells the story.

Declaring War on the Word "Epic"

America, your use of the word epic has reached epic proportions and must stop immediately.  

Love At First Spin

We fell in love in front of dryer #13.

Many movies and TV commercials want you to believe it's possible for a man and woman to fall in love at a laundromat.  Think about it: dryer lint, a handful of quarters, and the sound of a Mexican soap opera playing on an old television screen...the whole scene practically screams romance.  In reality, there's usually a handful of children milling about the place while an over-sized woman named Norma hollers at them.  Even if you're lucky enough to run into someone who catches your eye, good luck trying to make small talk while trying not to look at her neatly folded panties.
 

A Gift From The Heavens ala Service Merchandise

Did you know the phrase “a gift from the heavens” originated at a Service Merchandise store?  It was Service Merchandise that birthed the concept that a every customer should fill out a slip listing the product he wished to purchase, hand said slip to the clerk, and then stared patiently at a conveyor belt extending from a giant hole in the ceiling.  A customer named Mavis was overheard saying, “This is truly a gift from the heavens!” after a box containing her wide-slot toaster descended from the ceiling hole, down the conveyor belt, and to the hands of a giddy Mavis.  Much like the void at shopping centers all across America, Service Merchandise left us all feeling empty when the final store closed its doors in 2002.  The real tragedy is that no competing retailer has adopted the brilliant idea of using a conveyor belt in their stores.

Did I Just Hear Those Lyrics?

It's taken about 20 years, but Jeffrey Dahmer has finally made his way into the lyrics of a pop song.  A hat tip to Katy Perry for her I'm-Still-Not-Sure-Why-This-Terrible-Song-Is-Popular "Dark Horse" for giving a cannibal his due lyric.  Though I suppose the real credit goes to the rapper Juicy J because he actually raps the lyrics:

She’s a beast
I call her Karma (come back)
She eats your heart out
Like Jeffrey Dahmer (woo)

Now that Jeffrey Dahmer has finally made his way into music, it knocks two older songs and their odd lyrics out of the top spots on the countdown.  

"The Way I Am" - Ingrid Michaelson

Long before Bill Rancic was the face of Rogaine, Ingrid Michaelson put the idea in Jiuliana Rancic's head.

"Break It Down Again" - Tears for Fears

Is there a more pleasurable image to envision than Moses on a motorbike? 

Don't Call The Ice Cream Police

Battling the flu one January evening, I could no longer tolerate my sore throat and took action.  On several occasions, I passed a tiny convenience store about three blocks from my apartment so I set out that snowy night to brave the elements in hopes of getting some ice cream to sooth the razor blades in my throat.  When I entered the store, a short bald Russian man paid me no attention as he sat behind the counter watching a tiny black and white TV.  With my head throbbing, I quickly moved to the large cooler at the back of the store, but I found no ice cream.  An aisle over, I stumbled upon a small freezer filled with ice cream, but a strip of masking tape stood guard over the freezer door.  In my fevered state, my brain couldn’t compute why the freezer was haphazardly taped shut, so I headed to the counter to ask the Russian.  He stammered in broken English something about the bureaucrats at city hall and that he did not have an ice cream license.  I stood there confused and dumbfounded.  Was there such a thing as an ice cream license?  Did you have to stand in line at a DMV-like facility to get said license?  Did I take too much ibuprofen?  The Russian nervously eyed around the store until he eventually broke the silence.  “

You’re not working undercover for the city?” he asked. 

“No,” I said. 

“OK.  I sell you ice cream.”

"Alright," I said as I quietly questioned whether I really wanted unlicensed ice cream. 

As the two of us shuffled to the back of the store, the old Russian mumbled to himself before cautiously lifting the tape off the freezer doors allowing unrestricted access to the frozen concoction.  Without much deliberation, I grabbed a pint of Butter Pecan, paid him, and trekked home.  A few months later I happened upon the corner store and noticed a “FOR LEASE” sign in the now empty storefront.  I bet the Chicago Department of Ice Cream Licensing shut him down. 

Rejected Buzzfeed Quizes

"Monroe!"

Buzzfeed gives closure to our curiosity over "What Golden Girl Are You?" or "What 90s Alt Rocker Would You Be?".  I hope that you're able to sleep well tonight knowing that you're Blanche and Tori Amos.  Here are some other Buzzfeed quizzes that didn't quite make the cut:

What Yacht-Rock Band Are You?  I got Robbie Dupree.

What 1980s Saturday Morning Commercial That Aired During Cartoons Are You?  I got Ecto Cooler. 

What Cosby Sweater Are You?  I got bright blue with burnt persimmon-colored trapezoids across the chest.

What Forwarded Email From Your Aunt Helen Are You?  I got "Let's Boycott Gas Stations on April 15th."

What SNL Sketch Starring Ellen Cleghorne Are You?  I got ???

What Flavor of Marshmallow from Lucky Charms Are You?  I got Purple Horseshoe.

What Level of Super Mario Brothers 3 Are You?  I got level 7--Iced Land

What 1990s Cubs Backup Player Are You?  I got Scott Bullett.

What Racist Celebrity Are You?  I got Mel Gibson.

What Space of the Bingo Card Are You?  I'm O-69.

What Wacky Sitcom Neighbor Are You?  I did not get Monroe from Too Close For Comfort

What Retired Catchphrase Are You?  I got "psyche!".

What TV Show Theme Song Lyric Are You?  I got "Sha-La-La-La" from "Family Ties"

What Venereal Disease Are You?  I got crabs.